The Fall Out –
As the dust begins to settle, (in my mind) and I start to get better, I realize it’s hard to deal with the fallout. The consequences. How does one go down memory lane, relive the feelings and look at the consequences of one’s actions? Bad ones I mean, we all make stupid choices at some point, and bad ones too. In my case, choices that lead to loss of friendships and trust, and bring embarrassments and humiliations for myself. A lot of asshole-ery.
My dad, as sweet as he is, believes I have ‘had a bit of bad luck.’ I think what he means to say is choices. I can say it. Dad, I have made some bad choices.
In relationships, I’ve made a lot of choices- manipulative ones too. Ones that hit right below the belt. You show me once, I go right for it. Sometimes I catch myself before I do it, sometimes I don’t. I have this cutthroat ability to swim around like a shark and wait for it. Mark used to say, he was the pufferfish – and I was the shark. Is it useful? sometimes, I don’t know, the only thing I can think of right now is it’s a defense mechanism, I am not sure from what, but I usually end up in the shit. I’m trying to figure that out.
I’m tired of beating myself up over it though. I can not work through it with my goblin hanging around. The depressing goblin that sits on my shoulder and smokes cigarettes with me. My evil little twin, ‘hey remember that thing you did that one time? Yo, that’s fucked up’..ok, shut up. Yes, I’m a dick. Is this the part in AA when they say you have to apologize for all the things you did wrong?
I think this is what they call taking a fearless moral inventory. It feels sticky and thick. And long.
Oh god…does this mean I have to make a list? That’s terrifying. Actually, I’m feeling kinda fearless about it now. Fuck it, man, really. I’m already having the mid-life crisis part and am living my personal life out online in a really weird way…what have I got to lose? My booze bone that’s connected to my drug bone?