Sobriety?

by | May 27, 2021 | Blog Post

I love to preach about how I’ve been sober since January first. It is true I haven’t had one drop of alcohol since then. But, I was still using speed daily for a while after that. I have no regrets. It worked. I’m not taking it anymore, I used weed to get off speed. Poly addiction…humm.

Yes, that is what I really used to get off the booze. Before I started with speed, every morning I was having an eye-opener. Half a glass of juice with a splash of wine. I would get up, my depression would kick in and by the time my coffee was brewed, I would have already drunk my first one. I had a box of white wine and orange juice in the fridge at all times. Then as the day progressed the orange juice would get less and less, until it was just juice cups full of wine. Speed helped a lot with my depression. Nothing like amphetamine to lift your spirits. I bought it online.

I have had this obsession with the darker parts of the internet for a few years. Little did I know it would lead me here. I started researching and a whole new world opened up for me. I’m not going to describe how I did it. There are lots of sites online that will tell you exactly. I visited the onion fields and saw anything you could want. Speed, speed is what I wanted.

When you drink alcohol, it causes your “reward system” to release happy dopamine. The more alcohol you drink the less and less dopamine your brain releases. You grab another drink to get more dopamine, but it never goes back up to where it originally was. In fact, it’s lower than before, so you drink more to get more. Same goes for addicts like me, long-term use depletes dopamine over time, so I drink just to feel normal, buzzed, then drunk. Forever chasing that little happiness. In the book wasted, I read about Micheal Pond’s (psychotherapist) journey of trying to stay sober in a system that does not work. He is based in Vancouver. At the end of his book, after trying every ‘treatment’, (jail, rehab, sober living) he talks about alternative treatments for alcoholism and going over to the states to get monthly Vivitrol (naltrexone) injections. To stay sober..forever? This spoke to me, Vivitrol is a drug treatment mainly for opioid use disorder. It works the very same way for alcoholics. It blocks opioid receptors (the reward center) in the brain, and alcohol can’t get to it. Vivitrol is available in Canada only for research purposes. Or a special access program with Health Canada. And the physician has to apply for patient treatment care.

In reality, I’ve tried to quit drinking for 8 years, I mean, I have known in my heart that I had a problem eight years ago. I denied it for so so long. I have been told I’m an alcoholic more than once. I didn’t really think about it until this year. And who knows if this will be my final time? That’s the power of addiction. I have to think about it every fucking day. The perception is that alcohol addiction is not as bad as drug addiction. In my case, it’s bad, destructive. addictive, and always lurking. Speed made alcohol very unattractive to me and made me feel sick when I tried to have both, So essentially being on speed got me off alcohol. Quick wrap-up? Booze/speed to speed/weed to weed.

Liv and I took the bus home from downtown along the Gorge. I watched the dudes standing next to us at the bus stop drinking, and the addict lurking around us with a Narcan clip pack or me buying speed online. It’s pretty clear the system we have in our country and in our heads around addictions, poly-addictions, whatever needs some fucking attention and change. Taking speed daily is not ideal.. (think classy meth head?). The darknet is super creepy and scary. My days on those sites are done. I destroyed my burner laptop. Lots of fraud, street drugs, and seriously scary research chemicals like fentanyl analogs. I mean we as a society can hardly keep up with the latest thing, let alone the addiction to it. Speed worked for me for now. Addiction is here to stay and it’s not getting any better with the current system. I don’t even know where we would start.

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Louisa Vukovic, MA RSE.