I woke up this morning with the worst belly of my life – panic disorder suck. Good days and bad I guess.
I did it myself. I let myself get overwhelmed and didn’t give myself time to digest. I was worrying about the future for no reason. Can’t control it so why worry about it?
I’ve learned that if I get out of my present and write something it makes me feel grounded. And now that I’ve tidied my front porch, I’m sitting outside with the Bae, (on her leash) watching the world go by. I feel calmer already. I love being around people but I also love being by myself. I’m like the new Mrs. Kravitz on my street. I like my neighbors and my hood.
Its amazing what you learn when you work from home and don’t have a car. It’s nice, it slows your life way down. I like that. A lot of grandkids around right now – for the pool and the location. Lots of people live here so there is lots of action to watch.
I’ve realized in the last little while that I’m lucky to have had such a unique childhood. We grew up on Lake Ontario and spent many summers just running wild. There was a beach at the bottom of our street with an old concrete diving board and a creepy old raft. The diving board had been installed by some neighborhood boys years before us and was all cracked and split from the ice in the winters. In the summer the local teenagers would drag the raft out to its spot and secure it to another concrete concoction under the water. We spent so many years there I was young enough to play with the long furry seaweed, and then old enough to swim to the raft with my sister to smoke cigarettes. One hand to swim and one to hold our smokes and lighter over our heads. We’d scare each other with shark stories while we’d dry off and smoke our cigarettes then race to swim to shore.
I would spend mornings and lunch at my Dad’s parents’ house. (My father brought them over from Yugoslavia in the late 80’s). Dedo would take my younger sister and I to the park then and my nana would feed us the most amazing lunch, I loved lunchtime at Nana’s 😋 after I’d run off with my friends to explore the beach, we used to find these really cool pieces of dishware, and we’d pretend they were from the shipwrecks. A lot of the things probably were, the Great Lakes are a little like small oceans, but fresh water, they are massive. I learned over the years that Lake Ontario indeed had a lot of merchant shipwrecks in the 1700-1800s. Especially loading from Kingston, (where I’m from.)
Lake Ontario always scared me a bit, dark, wild foggy looking. Even on the brightest summer days, you couldn’t really see anything while you were swimming and there were always fish lurking.. or water snakes. Nothing worse than one of those things touching you when you can’t see it coming, I used to like fishing right off the boat launch next to the Kingston Penitentiary wall.
A lot of things washed up on those beaches over the years. We were surrounded by history, and limestone buildings, big enormous government institutions. An old military town with forts and prisons, and a dark ominous lake. The last time I was there the old building for the criminally insane was still there sitting empty and creepy as hell. I don’t know, I guess I was thinking of home today. I’m glad I wrote this and did some strength stuff. Farmers carry for mental health 🏋️♀️💪. Tomorrow’s plan is to cook some nana food. 🥘