My little Liv.
My oldest daughter has moved home with me for a bit. She is creative, funny, smart, and very beautiful. She is also, in sharp contrast, very uncomfortable in her own skin. Twenty-three now must be a totally different place than it was for me. For one thing, I was married, for another, I did not get a cell phone until I was 32. Cell phones were around but not in any capacity as they are today…social media is so insidious.
It took me a week to get her here. She was living on the mainland. I asked her to come home more than once over the last month. The first two or three days she was here, she was manic…I mean so worked up she would not stop talking. She talked and talked and talked. She did yoga, for 36 hrs straight. She wouldn’t sleep and would spiral into self-hatred, fits of rage and tears soon to follow.
She has moved in and out of my home more than a few times. We have had our issues like any mother-daughter. I feel a lot of blame towards me coming from her, and pain and frustration at herself. She is very angry with herself. She’s so angry at the world. She finds it hard to listen and finds it hard to take accountability…I guess to make sense of the life that she can’t make sense of.
She and I have been doing a lot of therapy over the past two weeks. She’s come to realize a few things. She realizes that she feels invisible. And that she wants validity from people that will never give it to her. Last summer she was diagnosed with BPD, I’m not sure I understand or agree with that. Once when she was being what I thought was particularly irrational, I told her she was behaving just like my sister Dani. This “acting out”… is so much more than one’s personality or “throwing tantrums”. She may be bipolar- and I think we need to find a better therapist than she has seen. The symptoms are scary and familiar.
Dani was my first best friend. We did everything together when we were growing up. She is a hippy through and through, I love her to death. After a few years of not looking after her health- she was diagnosed as bipolar. Looking back, I remember very clearly her manic episodes when we were growing up. Anger, deep depression, and creative highs, filled with music. No sleep makes Dani a genius. She can sing any song, play any instrument she picks up, and write a song. Dani was not diagnosed till later in life and misunderstood. Just like I feel Liv is sometimes. She and Olivia were very close until about 10 years ago. Dani and I lost the closeness of our relationship. I really want it back. I think it happened in the confusion of our grief and addiction when my mother died. We were all a mess. She was on pills and smoking weed, I was drunk and high all of the time.
Dani and I loved our weed when we were teens, Olivia loves her weed as well. There is a lot of concern and blame from our family about Livs choice to smoke weed. Some research shows that weed and psychosis go hand in hand with adolescence. I have been reading about it to see what I can learn. The best defense is education when it comes to fighting for your own health care, right? Otherwise, it will slip through. I have read alternative studies that claim weed doesn’t have any long-term effects and after stopping use, any issues generally clear up. I am undecided about it yet until I read more.
The issue at hand is finding something that will actually work for Liv, like the individual she is. I have so much faith in her, if I taught her anything it’s to be strong when you need to be.