All week I’ve been tittering on drinking. Warm weather and backyard smokes? Oh… how I miss day drinking. Thing is, if I give into that thought, well let’s just say I don’t want my life to ever look the way it did when I quit. Trouble ahead, trouble behind. – Grateful Dead
Liv introduced me to an Instagram page. Survivor Stories Project, there are two posts on there, about a young guy I used to work with. I didn’t know him that well, we were in different departments, but I certainly heard about him. And I’d gotten really wasted at a staff Christmas party and told him off. He was acting really inappropriately, forcing himself on wasted girls, right at the bar. I never felt guilty about telling him off. Fucking preditor. This is playing out right now, so I will be keeping a close eye on that.
I have been hearing so much about violent sexual assaults lately, it’s heartbreaking. These are young women. Innocently living their lives and then prayed upon. What is it about these dudes with major fucking dark triad traits? Girls are sexually violated …like on the daily.
It’s a BIG trigger for me, so I’m heading into the long weekend, with designer coffee, government weed, and putting this out to the universe so I can stop thinking about wine. I am going to talk about my rape. My aggressor was my intimate partner Rae.
Verbal aggression was his thing. He once refused to perform his part of a song, on stage because his co rapper had not texted him back. The two of them are performing, nightclub, lots of people. They had just released their album. He stood there, arms crossed, and let the music play without his rap. Afterwards he aggressively berated and verbally threatened his partner. Rae’s narcissistic personality was threatened, so he felt justified in his reaction. Of course, I was frightened and mortified at the same time. I knew that personal interactions like that were taken as a transgression against him. Narcissistic prick.
The sexual violence I experienced from him was not surprisingly that different. He never took “no” to sex as an answer. He would just take it. I had to give it to him twice a day or the pressure would be relentless. Until I gave in. That morning, he had gotten home from an overnight work shift. I was still up when he got home at 7 am, from the whiskey and cocaine I had consumed that night/morning. Feeling guilty I made him breakfast and put a movie on for him. He went and showered and then started in on me. He told me I was fat, dumb, and useless.. and stretched it out into a 45 min aggressive rant. Yelling and throwing his arms around. Then he got into bed with me and forced me to have sex. I was crying at this point and said no, three or four times. He pulled me over on my back, held my wrists, and raped me. He used my body to jack off into – while I was crying.
He looked down and shook his head making a “pffff” sound with his mouth, and rolled off me. Three attacks continued over two days, my days off. He felt justified in his behavior. I only let him rape me twice. I fought him off the third time. I had snuck down to sleep on the couch and he came down. He’d been watching porn and had a gross hard-on in his basketball shorts and was all over me. I fought him off, got dressed, and burned up the Pat Bay. Calling a crisis line as I drove. I think… some parts are not easy to remember. Trauma blocking. I told two friends at work when I got in. They both told me it was rape. We went to the police. He was charged and removed from my life. Although the charges were dropped some months later, I was not going to fly across the country to testify. I bet Rae is doing the same dark, narcissistic bullshit, with someone else. It’s dudes like him, who get caught but don’t actually see anything wrong with what they have done. “Narcissistic with reactive hostility,” quite literally. That ‘grandiose sense of self is fucking unstable when it’s faced with a situation that threatens it. My denying him sex was the ultimate ego blow, he had to prove he was as great as he thought he was.