My beautiful, brilliant, successful sister came to visit me from the United States. We had such a great time, she took me shopping and spoiled me as usual. She bought my kids gifts, stocked my fridge, and bought linens and kitchen things for the house. She is three years older than me and is very, very successful. She loves me unconditionally and I love her like that too.
We walked a lot and talked about getting back on your feet after being unemployed for a year. Yes, I have come to terms with being let go because of my drinking. You know, I denied it for a long time. Blamed my downfall on all the people who surrounded me. But, you know…guzzling wine in the garage at 10 am then going into a meeting and blasting a co-worker isn’t really the way to be successful lol.
Has my sister cracked the formula for the perfect life at 50? Happy husband, kids, and a beautiful home. Is that the perfect life for me? I wish I could fit into that mold. I was that kid who read books while walking home from school. Or talked to myself. I would sit in my room and write little stories to myself or write funny little songs for my family. I learned how to fit in at the privileged schools we were sent to. That usually meant stretching myself so far from who I actually was. I played with toys till I was too old, barbies mostly. I would spend hours dressing and redressing them for their big activity. Brushing and styling their hair and occasionally giving them a new look with the kitchen scissors.
Always daydreaming and playing. Did I not grow up fast enough? All I wanted to do was art, in a way. I have decided to go back to cutting hair for a day or two a week. Being sober gives you a whole lot of free time. I want art and creativity back in my life in a different way than this blog is. I want to just be myself. The weird little girl who never brushed her hair, and sang little songs to herself and only fit in if she pretended she was someone else. Except I can’t pretend anymore. I just have to be me.