I know… this is another fucking sad story, but that’s the point for me. My life has actually turned around since I stopped drinking, and I’ve been thinking about how I am going to continue to stay sober. That’s the only thing I am doing differently, thinking about what will help me stay sober. And this is my AA. So if you’re reading this, you care, and thank you, If you’re reading this and you don’t care, well… you do you. I’m gonna do me.
I have a lot of guilt about what happened in my relationship with Rae. I just wonder, what kind of headspace is someone in when it happens. I mean, what was I actually giving off in terms of energy. Now that sounds ridiculous, I know, but it crosses my mind all the time. Was it my fault? Did it really happen the way I remember it? How can someone who I choose to share my life with, for 9 years be so fucking cruel? And it felt so violent. Is my judgment that bad?? No, well yes..maybe. See? Ha… everyone tells me it’s not my fault, and on a conscious level, I know.
I still hear his voice in my head, (it’s been three years) and of things he would say, pet names he called me. I think of how we met, and how persistent he was to win me over and to keep me. It’s hard to think of the good things actually, I haven’t had a kind thought towards him since. I mean the last 6 months were bad, with a lot of drinking. Around this time I was starting to experiment with hard drugs 😕. And I was partying, and not easy. I was a right cunt to him a couple of times. And I talked shit about him behind his back. I don’t know man, I don’t want to give him too much air time. Because he would love it, and it hurts.
This is being processed in bits and pieces. Uggggh I don’t know what’s going to come out and how. Anyway yeah.
Sunshine and 🍭
Weird things are coming up for me, like first the sex then the intimacy, and the safety.
Because there were times when he physically, and mentally cared for me and was gentle. And I remember the three hairs on his left shoulder that I used to love. I was thinking about the self-care in this sober life I choose. I don’t know what else to call it. I mean I exercise every day because I know that’s one of the ways I stay sober. I really try to live in the present. That keeps me sober. I think I have always done things in the moment, but not always in the present if that makes sense 🤔.
I swear to God I always do everything backward…dyslexia or self-sabotage? lol
Cognitive confusion. That’s a good name for a band.