Some days I want to crawl out of my skin, today is one of those days. Phffffffff. womp, womp. Maybe watching old movies will cheer me up? Or cake. (vodka, vodka, vodka) I feel like this Reliant, cruising along..take a corner too fast and bam- end up on my face. One step forward, a thousand steps back.
I’m feeling a lot more like myself today. Weird how that works for me. I had to do things to reassure myself, I’m going in the right direction. Sunday, (first paragraph) I sulked harrrrrd. All the grey, all the grey goose on my mind. I didn’t walk for the first time in 6 months. I gave myself a day and then I actually got into it. I love the west coast island dreary weather, it kind of matches everyone’s mood. It matches my mood. All heads down and shielding from the rain, and wind. It feels good though, I love marching around town talking to myself, lol. I do, it helps me think. It helps me do the work I need to do to move through. Not just move through it but, try and feel it, actually accept it more than feel it. Maybe not feel it so much? I don’t know. Or just learn how to live with myself.
I doubt myself all the time. (just stay sober) Today I walked a lot, I got soaked, twice. I did fun things, that I wanted to do. That included treatzza pizza, (just stay sober) ice cream, and cake-ish crust, and test driving a car, (not a Reliant). Hey man, winter is no joke around here. I haven’t drank vodka in a long time. I switched from vodka to wine when I thought, oh I’ll drink less when I switch. (just remembered my mum’s poison was vodka) Bargained with myself all the time, or justified it somehow. I used to warm up with red, switch to vodka martini for the remainder of the evening, then as my guts couldn’t take it anymore I switched to white, with a whiskey chaser. Not that that is any easier on the gut, but I bargained with myself a lot.
I almost feel like I was manifesting something with my recent obsession with tomato juice. Ewwww, maybe just a little bargain in my tomato juice? (just stay sober). I’ve since stopped thinking of tomato juice and moved on to a significant vodka obsession, (just stay sober) not gonna do it but. Grey, wet, rainy martinis with a lemon twist…jk mine were always, dry and straight up.