Element Amenities

A weird, evolving website inspired by addiction and recovery.

Dry Cat lady is gonna stick I think. Ever wake up in the middle of the night with gripping anxiety and cat pee on your bed? Oh just me? Awesome. Fucking melatonin, knocked me out and then make me wake up with a start. I changed my sheets, had some tea, a glass of water then vomited. That never fucking happens to me. The only time I vomit is when I’m wasted or pregnant, (no chance of either) so that’s a new thing, I hope it’s from anxiety and not trying to come off of Seroquel. If it is anxiety, I got this. I cried then felt better. Nothing like a good cry.

I am trying to wean myself off of Seroquel. For two reasons, one I am feeling better, getting out more and actually talking to people helps. And two, Liv didn’t have any to get by, I have been giving most of what I have to her for the last 2 months. We have tried, we really did to get her her own prescription right away, but it is a pretty serious medication, and we had an appointment booked with the Dr. yesterday, we ran out a week ago. I don’t know, I may go back on but I don’t want to be addicted to it. So, yeah the two of us without medication over a weekend? Her dad came to see the girls on his way to Ontario, and almost walked back out again when we told him. Lol. She and I have had quite the week.

I started looking into rehabs for her last night. Not on her request, more on her refusal to consider it. Part of me is pulling a big old Ljuba circa 1987. But part of me knows that there is no way she will go till she sees it herself. The booze and the drugs for her, like me, are coping mechanisms. She had a rough fucking week man, her 23rd birthday, and her Poppy’s funeral. I’m giving her a bit of time to think about it. It seems like it’s the best first step, detox and then start thinking about getting better. We discussed it pretty thoroughly…I only stomped off once. I was clear and not that mean, but the truth hurts sometimes, and I have taken a lot of truth the past two months. Maybe the temperance movement had a small point…

I guess it’s because my brain is still pickled. Dry/wet brain, when you’re still a bit boozy on the inside but think you’re not, that’s me. I feel like it’s taken me a while to get here. And I’m not done yet.

The treatment centers…the websites look a little bit scary. I’m really nervous about what is available in the public sector. There are a lot of treatment programs, they all offer different things, all of them are based on abstinence, god, or criminal behavior. I’m not sure she fits into those. I wouldn’t fit into those. However… it is the fastest way to get mental health.

I am scared of the one size fits all approach. How up-to-date are these programs? I mean I clicked on one random treatment center here and the links on addiction were three years old..really? No new Canada statistics on addiction, that’s surprising, there was one that had BC in the title but not actually in British Columbia…what?

What’s the expectation? I feel like so many people who don’t live it, expect the addict to go to rehab, and be instantly fixed. I assumed that before I actually lived it. Even while I lived it. Or, am I enabling her.. she is my child, so I don’t know. I guess the only thing I can do at this point is to point out the negative effects of the lifestyle and how it affects me until she changes it. I don’t even know if that will work, that sounds like guilt and blame.

I don’t know how to distinguish it, But I’m also not going to put up with the lifestyle anymore. If it affects me and I’m letting it continue, am I enabling her?